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bardot_and_god_created_woman_1Movies like this make me think of that classic bit of philosophy that Al Pacino whispered in “Heat”, ‘Don’t waste my mother fucking time!’ Yes, the best French movies can spin great stories of tragedy, heart breaking romance and crushing loss. They can tell tales to make one run from the mere suggestion of infatuation, romance and lust. In the best of them, those who take hold of romance foolishly or haphazardly, die at its hands, crying and miserable as they leave this world for the next. And then there are the French directors who make love look like a silly crock of shit and the French in general to be nothing more than a nation of selfish, sleazy bastards. Roger Vadim’s “…and God Created Woman” is one of these films.

A foreign film hit of the 1950’s because of Bridgette Bardot’s four star ass, “Woman” follows the feverish Juliette, a spirited orphan who can’t control her base urges to be free, dance wildly and hump without inhibition. Facing the threat of being returned to the orphanage for being too loose, she marries the meekest of three brothers, the oldest and most arrogant of which wants to nail her as well. There’s also a business man who wants the lusty, youthful Juliette to himself. Most of these guys are pompous shits and Juliette herself is little more than a hot body twisting through each scene. The man she marries may not an awful stain like the others, but he’s in no way deserving of her affections. Bridgette Bardot was an international sensation because of her unbelievable body and she deserved all due admiration. Her glorious, golden rump deserved billing over everyone else in the film. Her actual performance isn’t much to take note of. She’s playing the wild child too selfish and unhinged to control herself. This amounts to a lot of pouting and slinking on her part.

Because the overall story never grabs you, one is left sharing time with a pack of arrogant snots all toying with the affections of the woman they want to screw. No one really deserves her and aside from her physical assets, she’s a pretty terrible person as well. The movie ends as only a French movie could, by having her weakling husband man up and smack her around, thus demanding her respect and chilling her ass out. It’s all incredibly stupid. It does have a spiffy calypso score which keeps things musically vibrant and if you’d like to see one of the worlds perfect asses slink around the screen for a few bits, “…and God Created Woman” might be something for you. Past that, there’s not much to recommend it.

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