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20 Movies and/or Trends of the Decade in no Particular Order That Sucked a Ton:

#1 – Lousy comic book movies – For every one that helped legitimize the form, two more came along and showed how stupid it is.  Daredevil, Ghost Rider, Fantastic Four 1 & 2, Electra, Spider Man 3, X3, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, From Hell, Constantine, 2 Punisher movies (though they were hilarious), Wolverine, The Spirit, Blade: Trinity, Catwoman and a special mention for “Wanted.”  Never has such an amazingly rancid movie been so built up.  I’m throwing in “Hancock” as well.  It’s not based on a comic book but it might as well be.

#2 – Boring ass CGI kids movies –  “Toy Story” is the modern age equivalent of “Star Wars.”  It’s a wonderful film that helped spawn such a horrific industry in its wake that one would seriously consider uninventing the film as a pre-emptive strike against the industry that exist now.  Pixar continues to dazzle.  All others continue to suck.

#3 – Kingdom of Heaven (Theatrical Cut) – Ridley Scott’s crusade opus was gutted upon its release and many thought that the brilliant filmmaker had finally lost his chops.  Turns out his chops got thrown out on the editing room floor.  KOH was restored and its worthy nature was revealed.  Its theatrical cut stands as a shining example of how knee-jerk, studio mandated edits can hopelessly fuck up a movie.

#4 – Stephen Sommers Movies – Mr. Sommers could’ve avoided this list but he managed to get paroled out of director jail at the last second to helm “G.I. Joe” for Paramount, thus completing his trilogy of CGI lathered monkey shit.  An awful “Mummy” sequel, the “Van Helsing” thing which felt a whole lot like the awful “Mummy” sequel, and then “G.I. Joe.”  With any luck he’s been put back in director jail.

#5 – Awful Best Picture Winners and Nominees – There are plenty of dull Best Picture nominees and winners on the books for all to fall asleep to.  But this decade managed some stunningly stupid films which were passed off as prestige.  “Chicago” was a song and dance number which flaunted the dumbness of the people who watched it right in their face.  “Crash” said everyone was a racist but if we try real hard we could all get along.  “A Beautiful Mind” was as mediocre as a film can manage and it beat “Moulin Rouge.”  For shame!  Boring and derivative pretense was frequently nominated: Chocolate, The Hours, Seabiscuit, Finding Neverland, Ray, Munich, Good Night & Good Luck, Atonement, Frost/Nixon, and the king of misguided shit, “The Reader.”

#6 – The Reader – A woman would rather go to prison for decades for killing Jews than admit she can’t read.  One of the most unintentionally hilarious Oscar bait films ever.  The Oscar clip where the Pineapple Express guys got stoned and laughed at it forever sealed its fate as a joke of a movie.

#7 – Video Game Movies/the Uwe Boll category – The list of crap is big and getting bigger.  Tomb Raider movies, Resident Evil movies, another Street Fighter film, Final Fantasy, Doom, Dead or Alive, Silent Hill, Max Payne and the true harbinger of destruction, Uwe Boll films.  On his own he’s responsible for House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Bloodrayne II and Postal.  He can beat up all the critics he wants to.  Won’t change a thing.

#8 – Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull – After nearly 2 decades of trying to get Indy back to the big screen Lucas/Spielberg/Ford signed off on this retarded adventure movie which made everyone look……well, retarded.  Full of script contrivances, poorly thought out nonsense and Indiana surviving a nuclear blast by hiding in a refrigerator, “Skull” made most people wish that the man with the hat had stayed retired.

#9 – M. Night Shyamalan – We’re so quick to label genius in our society.  M. Night astonished everyone.  Then he poked everyone in the eye with his dick and laughed about doing it.  “Lady in the Water” and “The Happening” are not just bad movies, they are prolonged jokes on the viewer.  M. Night deserves whatever fate has in store for him.  Not many directors have inexplicably pissed so much good will away. It’s going to take more than a kids movie based on an anime property to fix things.

#10 – Southland Tales – Failure so complete and total is rare.  One should experience it to know how to avoid it.

#11 – Revolutionary Road – A singularly unpleasant thing to experience.  The lovers from “Titanic” come together and argue.  And then argue some more.  And then more.  And then she has a bathroom abortion and dies.  Sam Mendes?  Drop dead.

#12 – Movies about Mars – Red Planet, Mission to Mars, Ghosts of Mars, Doom.  It seems any and all films set on Mars have to be garbage.  Poor planet.  What did it do to deserve this fate?

#13 – Alien vs. Predator films – Two worthy franchises get put through the money ringer and every last bit of integrity either had left is squashed out.  AVP:R in particular stands out as a rank and offensive thing.

#14 – Michael Bay – I was going to leave him out of this. Too easy.  Sure, “Pearl Harbor” was bad but not in any kind of transcendent way.  “The Island” was more a forgettable hodgepodge than truly terrible experience.  I wouldn’t watch “Bad Boys II”.  I can’t explain why “Transformers” works but it does.  But “Transformers 2” was a serious slap in the face.  It really made me think that Michael Bay either hates me or thinks I’m mentally deficient.  Either way he thinks very little of me and so I will return the gesture.

#15 – John Travolta movies – Hate to kick a man when he’s down but Travolta was horrible this decade.  Lucky Numbers, Battlefield Earth, Domestic Disturbance, Swordfish, Basic, The Punisher, Be Cool, Wild Hogs, Old Dogs.  Who gets this many strikes and is allowed to keep going?

#16 – Martin Lawrence movies – Not going to bother listing these.  Everything he was in sucked.

#17 – Eddie Murphy movies – I will bother listing these: Imagine That, Meet Dave, Norbit, The Haunted Mansion, Daddy Day Care, I Spy, Pluto Nash, Showtime, Doctor Dolitte 2, Nutty Professor II.  He makes Travolta look like Lawrence fucking Olivier.

#18 – Chick flicks – A once tolerable genre has slowly become a series of repetitive, soul crushing movies that wallow in, and extol the virtues of, superficiality and artifice.  Ladies, seriously think about what these movies say about you.  It’s not pretty.  The pleasant banality of Julia Roberts and Meg Ryan has warped into the painful exploits of Katherine Heigl, Sarah Jessica Parker and Kate Hudson.  With Matthew McCaughney as their boy toy of choice.  I’d write out a list but we’d be here all day.

#19 – Observe and Report – A uniquely awful movie.  One that attempts to squeeze laughs out of rampantly stupid and unlikable characters and the mental illnesses that afflict them.  For his next film director Jody Hill should make a movie mocking the homeless and mentally handicapped.  He could ridicule people with Parkinson’s disease and ask people in wheel chairs to go for a walk.  It would be about as much fun as this was.

#20 – Movies in General – Dishing out this hate list was so easy and that’s the problem.  I could go on and on and on about so much more.  The Saw Franchise, horror remakes, lame parodies of lame movies, etc.  While the last decade has done much to shine, the more telling aspect of this century’s first decade of cinema is its successful attempt to make garbage acceptable.  Being completely terrible has not only become a passable norm, it’s routinely rewarded with financial windfalls.  There’s no longer a stench attached to being awful.  No matter how rancid, second-rate or unoriginal something looks, there’s an audience out there eagerly awaiting it with open arms.  The amount of crap being produced is alarming, but the willingness of so many people to watch it and think it fine is more so.  And that is a scary thing indeed.



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