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Ten Word or Less Review: Garbage

Red is as lazy and covered in fail as films get.  From its limp performances, to its first draft screenplay, to its prosaic direction, everything about it screams, ‘Go make a movie which can comfortably fit into a 2 ½ hour FX channel viewing block and not bother someones nap.”  As an action movie its rote and uninspired.  Someone might be foolish enough to argue that the PG-13 rating hamstrung things but I wouldn’t buy that argument.  Everything in Red feels safe and unthreatening.  There’s no tension in anything or a thought that anything bad will happen to anyone that matters to the proceedings.  The other side is to argue that it’s a comedy, it shouldn’t be hard hitting.  Fine, but Red isn’t funny either.  It’s a movie which portends to entertain by merely providing an inspired cast, it doesn’t actually ask any of them to do anything particularly inspired or say anything clever.  Director Robert Schwentke is tone def to the off beat humor he’s forcing up on the screen.  When Red tries to be funny it feels like white noise.  It’s a trash movie with grade A talent, nothing more.  And about that talent.

I hold no grudges against anyone in this thing.  A laundry list of well respected thespians taking a paycheck job in a goofy, piece of shit action flick is nothing new.  Freeman, Mirren, Malkovich, there are no hard feelings.  Except you Bruce Willis.  You are not off the hook.  Come back, sit down and pay attention.  I’m sick to death of you and your stoic, bald head.  You have clearly given up as an actor and I will no longer subject myself to vehicles of this type.  I avoided your second rate offerings for years but in the past 12 months you have been the anchor for three of the laziest, most uninspired pieces of shit I’ve seen.  Between Red, Cop Out, and Surrogates I’m beginning to think you hate life and quite possibly the people who suffer through this crap you make.  You sure as Hell hate movies.  No one should be subjected to this kind of torture and this will be the last time I sit down for one of your farces.  Make a real movie with a real filmmaker or fuck off.

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