Skip navigation

Ten Word or Less Review: The end of the world and everyone feels like shit.

So Melancholia is about Christine (Kristin Dunst) getting married to a nice guy who’s clueless about what a basketcase she is.  Christine is two hours late for her wedding reception but she runs away to see her damn horse.  This pattern of retreat and avoidance repeats ad nauseum.  She takes a golf cart out to the links to take a lonely piss under the moonlight.  She ignores things to take a nap with her sleepy, little nephew.  She ignores the cutting of the cake to take a long bath and stare at the wall.  The guest get impatient and annoyed.  Why they don’t leave is beyond me.  Her mother says some horrible shit during the toast about how awful marriage is.  Only in art movie fantasies do people do this.  Her father is there with two dates, both named Betty.  This is horseshit as well.  He comes off like a jovial, self-centered prick.  Her sister (Charlotte Gainsborough) and her brother-in-law (Keifer Sutherland) keep getting irked at her for disappearing.  Keifer’s voice is so deep he sounds like Barry White sucking sulfur hexafluoride.  Christine’s boss has a lackey following her around trying to get a tag line out of her.  She works in advertising.  We don’t give a flying fuck about this either.  When she and the clueless husband retreat for the wedding night, Christine leaves him behind again, pants at his ankles, dumbfounded and unamused.  She winds up screwing the ad lackey on the golf course.  By morning he’s decided to leave her and the whole damn thing has wasted everyone’s time.  Did I mention this is just the first half of Melancholia?  Did I mention that there’s a 7 minute prologue to this movie which culminates in a passing planet slamming into the Earth and obliterating it?  Did I mention I didn’t stick around for the second half of this ponderous, retarded movie?  I figured I knew what happened at the end anyway.  I did!  So I went home and watched Beavis and Butthead instead of sitting through anymore of Lars Von Trier’s bullshit.  Beavis and Butthead was hilarious.  This movie was far sillier than anything they did.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: