Ten Word or Less Review: World Exclusive Interview With Sam Raimi!
Me: Hi Sam.
Sam: What up Ains?
Me: How are you feeling these days?
Sam: Pretty good. Staying busy. Not by directing Spider-Man films though.
Me: You sound a little bitter. Is this a sore spot for you?
Sam: It was till this past weekend.
Me: What changed?
Sam: I saw the new Spider-Man.
Me: What did you think?
Sam: It was fine I guess.
Me: Only 7 people read this site, you can be honest. It won’t get back to anyone.
Sam: Jesus H. Christ on an avocado taco! How could they screw Spider-Man up so colossally? It’s not that hard to get right because I got it right not that long ago. And it wasn’t that hard to begin with.
Me: I think they had to try something a little different. They couldn’t just make a straight up remake of your film.
Sam: But they kind of did.
Me: Right. Except they got it all wrong.
Sam: Exactly. I mean right from the get go it was totally boned up. Peter Parker is a dweeb. Tobey Maguire is a dweeb. Ergo, Maguire made a great Peter Parker. This Garfield kid is a great actor. I saw him in Never Let Me Go and he made me cry like a little school girl who scraped her knee. But a dweeb he is not.
Me: I totally get you on that. His faux bedhead hair is way too hip to come even remotely close to dweeby. Peter Parker does not have faux bedhead.
Sam: And Peter skateboards and uses a real film camera. Real film! Where do you even buy that anymore? Who has a darkroom? He’s tall and cute and so the illusion of undesirability is horseshit. If I sent a kid who looked like Andrew Garfield into a high school with those qualities he’d be getting head in the janitors closet by lunchtime.
Me: It’s like deep down they wanted James Franco to be Spider-Man all along and this was their way of getting back at you. On the other hand Emma Stone was pretty darn cute. Those thigh high boots she kept wearing got my attention. The boot budget on this movie must have been extensive.
Sam: We could sit here and wax poetic about Emma Stone’s creamy white thighs all day, and she was fine as Gwen, but there’s no arc to their relationship. They meet, she likes him, he likes her. That’s it. The whole navel gazing Twilight vibe was awful. It reminded me of Superman Returns. And I don’t mean that as a compliment. My brother Ted and I got so bored watching it we started spit balling ideas for a 4th Evil Dead film.
Me: Get anywhere with that?
Sam: Fuck no. If you can’t think up a good sequel idea within two decades, stop trying. I wish George Lucas would’ve known that.
Me: Spider-Man vs. the Evil Dead?
Sam: Don’t be an asshole.
Me: Spider-Man & Ash vs. the Evil Dead?
Me: We’ll stay on target. I’d agree about the boredom factor. It’s pretty stagnant. It just goes on and on and never goes anywhere. It’s like a whole new movie every 40 minutes or so and the previous movie is just forgotten.
Sam: I don’t think anyone involved knew how to write a screenplay. The movie sets up a big mystery about Peter’s parents. No resolution. It sets up a hunt for Uncle Ben’s killer. No resolution. It name drops Norman Osborne and that he’s dying. No pay off. You finally end up in a comic book at the end with Spider-Man fighting the lizard but it’s incredibly trite. Been there, done that a thousand time. And C. Thomas Howell saves the fucking day.
Me: It was still stupid.
Sam: Yes it was.
Me: Any other gripes?
Sam: A bunch. Most of these story problems come from the fact that they’re trying to build in sequels. But why do that? It’s Spider-Man. Everyone knows there will be sequels. Why waste half your movie building up plot you won’t address for three years? You can achieve that same effect in one scene. It was like watching Prometheus all over again. Worried about shit that isn’t even happening in this film.
Me: What else?
Sam: Why is everyone in this movie inbred. This film takes place in a universe of 6 people. Everyone knows everyone.
Me: It’s usually like that in these flicks though.
Sam: Not always and not as bad as this. Peter Parker goes to school with and pines for Gwen Stacy. Gwen Stacy is a lab assistant to Curt Conners. Curt Conners was the lab partner to Peter’s Dad. Gwen Stacy’s Dad is the police chief who is out to capture Spider-Man. It’s the worst kind of incidental and lazy screenwriting. Not everyone in the Superman universe is incidentally related to each other for the sake of convenient plotting. I mean Lex Luthor isn’t Lois Lanes uncle.
Me: Spider-Man 3 was a lot like that.
Sam: What’s Spider-Man 3?
Me: Do you think they should ditch Mark Webb as director next time?
Sam: Yeah, they should ditch his ass. He didn’t really bring it. My two movies had personality. If you transplanted one of my fans from 1996 to 2002 and showed them Spider-Man, they’d have known I made it. This movie, it feels more like a corporate mandated kind of thing. He’s not bad with actors and he cast it well enough but if he knew anything about Spider-Man and loved it he wouldn’t have made this movie. I’m pretty sure he saw it as an in to big money, big budget movies and grabbed the opportunity. And I’m sure it didn’t hurt that his name was Webb.
Me: Speaking of money, how much money did you make off your three Spidey films?
Sam: I only made two. And I made a ton. I eat cereal out of gold, jewel encrusted bowls, my toilets are carved from the worlds largest diamonds and when I skeet shoot I use Lamborghinis.
Me: You mean you drive Lamborghinis while you shoot skeet?
Sam: No, I use Lamborghinis for skeet.
Me: Where’s the challenge in shooting a flying car?
Sam: Don’t knock it until you try it friend.
Me: Go it. Anything else about this not so amazing Spider-Man flick?
Sam: I know who the guy is in the end who appears in Curt Conners prison cell.
Sam: It’s me.
Sam: It’s me. I know it’s me. The guy is holding my hat and everything. He can even teleport like me. They’re going to use me as the bad guy for their sequels.
Me: Can they do that? Why would they? Wait. Teleport?
Sam: Sony hates me. I made two great movies for them and for some reason they’re pissed. My guess is that a Sam Raimi from another dimension is coming into this one to destroy Spider-Man and his family. And yes, I can teleport. (POOF!)
I just went to Switzerland. Here’s some chocolate.
Me: Yummy! That’s amazing. But Sam, you made three Spider-Man films. I saw the last one. It was horrible. Maybe that’s why they’re upset.
Sam: I don’t know what the Hell you’re smoking but I never made a third Spider-Man film. Get your facts straight.
Me: So what were you doing in 2007 & 2008?
Sam: Hmm. I don’t know really. What was I doing then? I’ll have to check my calendars. I’m not sure.
Me: Can we try an experiment? I want you to watch this DVD.
(Puts in DVD of Spider-Man 3, credits start.)
Sam: NO! NO! NO! BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY! TAKE VENOM AWAY! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(Hit the stop button)
Sam: What happened? What was I saying?
Me: I think I lost track of things myself. Let’s wrap up. Any last thoughts about The Not So Amazing Spider-Man that you wish to voice?
Sam: I think we’ve covered most of it. It’s a really long and drawn out comic book flick that takes forever to go anywhere, which is really nowhere, and doesn’t add much of anything to the genre. At this stage of comic book movies being so redundant is a death wish.
Me: Should Bruce Campbell have been in it?
Sam: If he had agreed to be in it in any capacity I’d have had him killed and his existence wiped from the face of the Earth. I can do that too.