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Worst Movie of the Year

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Prometheus

This isn’t too hard a call.  I saw worse movies than Prometheus this year.  Not a lot but there were a few.  But since no one ever thought Lockout was going to be much of anything to begin with why bother labeling it?  And of course there were scores of shitty movies I never took the effort to see.  I’m sure Battleship, Red Dawn, That’s My Boy and Taken 2 are as awesome to watch as receiving a kick to the nuts but I’m not bothering to give them the privilege of walloping the family jewels.  Prometheus gets this grand distinction for being such a total failure of potential and execution.  It makes you feel like Tom Cruise in that scene from Risky Business when  his character thinks he’s called a hooker to loose his virginity to and instead winds up with a black guy in drag on his doorstep.  Only in this case the guy in drag doesn’t hook us up with Rebecca DeMornay who promptly comes over to screw our virgin brains out.  The guy in drag just kicks the door in, pisses on the couch and refuses to leave until he’s been paid for the privilege of pissing on the couch.

After all the hype and all the hope Ridley Scott delivered a junky, stupid, poorly plotted, epic mess.  It was a movie experience not just divorced from logic, but contemptible of it.  Watch science guy freak out and run away from dead alien bodies but then encounter the alien, penis creature and treat it like an adorable lost puppy.  This is what happens when too many people butt into story sessions with notes, suggestions and doodles on cocktail napkins they made the night before at the bar right before they passed out.  Most of the cast went to waste with the exception of Michael Fassbender.  It’s a testament to his professionalism that he could turn in such grand work in service of something so transparently ridiculous.  I can only wonder if he ever understood what his character was supposed to be up to.  What’s equally baffling about this whole affair are the Prometheus apologists.  Sometimes I see crap movies and despite my inherent dislike of them, I can at least empathize with another point of view.  No such luck here.  I have no idea why some feel the need to defend this nonsense.  Sure it’s pretty, but so the fuck what?  Ridley Scott could make an add for paperclips dynamic looking.  There’s no need to give water credit for being wet.

There were a lot of disappoints this year but none so complete as this.  All hopes and expectations for a glorious return to the Alien franchise lay crashed and broken at the feet of the once great director.  Scott may yet make great movies again but if this is what passes muster with him, someone take his camera away and force retirement.  Stop him before he goes back to Blade Runner and royally fucks that up too.

Also Sucked: Lockout, The Dictator, Goon, The Amazing Spider-Man, Total Recall and Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.  Though that last one has one of the best line readings ever.
[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-x1YuvUQFJ0%5D

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