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You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger –  If anymore of Allen’s movies come across as piss poor and unbearable as this one I will have to call this project off.  This lowly, grating embarrassment has Allen exploring relationships in various states of decay.  You’d think the subject matter would lead to a dark comedy or something introspective and insightful but instead we wind up with a tale of nothing but a pack of bickering idiots.  This is a story where you are not only not surprised that these people are breaking up, you’re surprised they didn’t kill each other with chainsaws ages ago.

Naomi Watts and Josh Brolin are a married couple on the verge of destruction.  He’s a struggling writer, she has a thankless job in a museum.  She wants to ditch her husband for her boss (Antonia Banderas), have a baby and open an art gallery of her own.  So you know, she’s a totally reasonable person.  He wants a successful book and the hot Indian woman in the apartment across the way.  He’s clearly just as reasonable.  Watts parents have also just divorced.  Both are morons and someone should have euthanized them before they reproduced.  Anthony Hopkins is the dad.  Realizing his life has more days behind than ahead, he has a late life freak out, ditches the annoying wife and quickly marries a call girl who’s out to mooch off his supposed fortune.  Speaking of the annoying wife, she is an insufferable construct of emotional ineptitude.  Unable to deal with life in any way daughter Watts sends her to a bogus spiritual medium for support.  In her total lack of confidence or sense of purpose she becomes enraptured in the medium’s wishy washy predictions.  Then after each sessions she barges into Brolin and Watts apartment and proceeds to prattle on like someone just aching to be shot dead.  Everyone spends the remainder of the story running around each other in a state of grating emotional upheaval.  By the end of the story the flake Mother is the only one happy because she lives in a blissful state of spiritual nonsense.  Everyone else is apparently fucked but it’s impossible to know.  Allen doesn’t bother to write endings to any of their stories.  It doesn’t matter.  Just assume they all went for a drive together and drove off a cliff.

The movie’s detached narrator tells the audience this well remembered line of dialogue about life from Macbeth: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.  Well, in this case Allen is the idiot, his movie is full of sound and fury and it signifies nothing.  Bravo Woody.


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